- 1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- 2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
- 3. Half the people you know are below average.
- 4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- 7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- 8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
- 9. All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
- 10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- 11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- 12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- 13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- 14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- 15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- 16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- 17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- 18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
- 19. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
- 20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- 21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- 22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- 23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
- 24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- 25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- 26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- 27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- 28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- 29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- 30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- 31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- -------------------------- from George Carlin -----------------------
- 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- 7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
- 8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- 9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him is he still wrong?
- 10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- 11. Is there another word for synonym?
- 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
- 13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
- 14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- 15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- 16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- 17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- 18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- 19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- 20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- 21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- 22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- 23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
- 24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
- 25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
- 26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- 27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
- 28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
- 29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
- 30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
- 31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- 32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
- 33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
- 34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
- 35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- 36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
- 37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- 38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- 39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- 40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- 41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
- 42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- 43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
- 44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
- 45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- 46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- ------------------------------- Annonymous ----------------------
- 1. The Cuban national anthem - Row, Row, Row your boat.
- 2. When an Italian has one arm shorter than the other it's A speech impediment
- 3. When the flag at the post office is flying At half-mast it means They're hiring.
- 4. Drivers' education classes in our schools can only use the car on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays
because Tuesday and Thursday, the sex Ed class uses it.
- 5 The difference between a southern zoo and a Northern zoo is that posted
on the front cage in the southern zoo is a description of the animal, along with a recipe.
- 6 Two reasons why it is hard to solve a redneck murder:
a. A the DNA is the same.
b. There are no dental records